My Favorite Kind of Listicle

You know the word “listicle,” right?

It’s an article–or post–that’s really just a fleshed-out list. A listicle.

And as you may already know, one of my very favorite kinds of listicle is one that peeks at the search terms people enter to find this site.

Here are my favorites from the last 30 days:

“how to respond to the human needs by umbrella”

Well, there are a good number of human needs that aren’t met by an umbrella, but something tells me that if you’re Googling how to respond to ‘human needs’ generally, a search engine can’t offer the kind of help you may need.

“how long of overeating before noticing a difference?”

If you eat one pound of chocolate and then step on a scale, you’ll weigh one pound more than you did before you ate the chocolate. Beyond that, it’s anyone’s guess.

“my little pony talking mushrooms”

What?! There are talking mushrooms in My Little Pony!?

“painting man woman in red dress under umbrella”

What is it with umbrellas landing people here? Have I ever written about umbrellas?

“my kid is so untidy”

Well, of course. Kids are untidy. That’s what ‘clean up time’ (for them) and glasses of wine (for you) are for.

“bath salts face eating disease”

geez, that does NOT sound good. Wish I could help…

“dead dad tattoos”

what’s with this? Is it as creepy as it sounds?

“how to read a pregnancy test”

that’s what is for. You’re welcome.

“illegal skittles”

You mean the kind with acid acid instead of citric acid? Or what? How could a Skittle be illegal?

“peaceful drawings”

Mmm, sorry. Definitely wrong place for that. Haven’t I shown you my dad’s idea of “precious”?

Searching for Terms

You know that looking at the search terms that land people on this blog are one of my little thrills, right? It’s almost a voyeuristic pleasure, as if I’m getting to see what it is that people are secretly searching for out there on the Internets.

Here are 9 from the last 30 days, with my comments.

“sweet christian girl”

Sorry, definitely wrong blog for that.

“cool tattoos for guys arm for a dead dad”

I *think* that you’re aiming for a nice tribute to your dad here. Watch your syntax, though.

“tell me what each district stands for in hunger games”

How about asking nicely?

“i want to be skinny pregnant”

I understand how you feel, but please don’t try for that. Read this.

“polly pockets in medieval times dress”

That would be AWESOME.

“jesus eating lunch”

And why not?

tiffani amber thiessen fat thin

Geez, neither! Curves do not = fat

“tim keller eating disorder”

I don’t think he has one. But you never know!

“mom failure overweight child”

No. No, you’re not a failure. You might like to read this.

“woman being eaten alive by stone bear statues”

Uh, ok.